My Story: Bring me to life - “I wasn’t living, I was existing”

It was the song 'Bring Me To Life'. I kept hearing it on the radio, like someone was trying to send me a message. I realised it was my song. I wasn't living. I was existing. Existing in a marriage that from the outside seemed okay, but behind closed doors was loveless and full of pain.  

I had been in this abusive relationship for 10 years. I didn't see a way out. All I saw were his angry, condescending, patronising eyes. All I heard was my silent screaming. I had thought something was wrong over the years, but every time we had come into contact with agencies, his behaviour was explained away. The focus was always on him and his depression. My red marks, bruises, shattered self-confidence, isolation and constant state of high alert was always justified or missed by those who could have helped me. On the few occasions I tried to speak up I was always berated for not being supportive enough, or, given a sympathetic nod before the focus went back onto him again. 

I learned not to talk. Talking meant punishment. So I just carried on existing as best as I could. My social circle became very small as I couldn't go out. I lost friends. Life was utterly lonely. 

I just needed one person to validate what was happening to me. Then came an assault that permanently altered my ability to walk properly.  

The only two friends I was allowed to see regularly because I had a 'valid reason' to in his eye started to see. They saw marks. They saw fear. They saw me. At this point there were threats to my life and I got up scared and went to bed scared. Imagine spending every waking moment scared.  

One of the friends made a call with me to Women's Aid who then signposted me to a local outreach service. I made the decision to leave and was gone within 4 days. It was only then that I truly learned. 

I came to learn via The Freedom Program run by the outreach service that I had been living with gaslighting and Coercive Control from the first date. I came to understand that rape really does happen within marriage and it's wrong. Sex is not a duty or a right. My world fell apart as I realised I had been physically, emotionally, sexually, financially, and coercively, abused for the duration of the 10 year relationship. But I started to rebuild my world little by little with the help of specialist outreach. I took control of my life back, and started to step into my own power. 

I can't say that the imprint of domestic abuse ever fades. For me it doesn't as I have a daily reminder in pain, problems with mobility and other health issues caused as a result of my experience. But, my world is totally different. It's rich with friends, love, and purpose.  

I work now for one of the outreach services that supported me. I lead a group of women bringing survivors voices into professional and statutory spaces. I hope that in some small way I can help others understand how to bring someone else to life.