My Story: Surviving a Controlling, Coercive, and Abusive Relationship
““I want you to know that you are not powerless. There is always hope for a life free from abuse. No one should ever have to live in fear or be controlled by someone they love”.”
When I first met Tim, I had no idea that I was about to step into a relationship that would strip away my freedom, my self-worth, and my autonomy. Over six years, his abusive behaviour, ranging from manipulation and isolation to emotional and psychological torment, left me feeling powerless, afraid, and suffocated. This is the story of how I was controlled, coerced, and emotionally abused to the point where I almost lost myself entirely.
The Beginning
I met Tim at a time when I was vulnerable and seeking connection. He appeared charming, attentive, and caring at first. But soon, I realised that his charm was a façade masking something much darker. Slowly, his manipulative behaviour began to surface, turning what I thought was a loving relationship into a nightmare of control, fear, and emotional distress.
At first, Tim’s tactics were subtle. He would disappear for days or even weeks without any contact, leaving me confused and insecure. When he returned, it was as if nothing had happened. The slightest thing could trigger a reaction in Tim, and for days after, he would give me the silent treatment, creating a tension in our family that I dreaded and would do anything to avoid.
A few months into our relationship, Tim went through my emails while I was out and found a couple of messages, I had exchanged on a dating site when we first started talking. He was furious, accusing me of cheating, even though I had never met the person. His anger was so overwhelming that I felt panic-stricken and ashamed, even though I had done nothing wrong. Tim told me that he would only stay with me if I agreed not to go out or see friends or family for six months, which included Christmas and birthdays. His control was already tightening its grip, and despite my reluctance, I agreed. What should have been six months turned into six years of restrictions and control.
During this time, Tim isolated me from friends and family, convincing me that I didn’t need anyone else and that his way was the only right way. I began to feel like I couldn’t trust anyone but him. His control extended to every part of my life—where I went, what I wore, who I spoke to—all were scrutinized and manipulated. If he went away, he would give me a list of tasks to fill my time, ensuring I had no moments of freedom or space to make my own plans. I was trapped, and his voice became the only one that mattered.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse: Constant Surveillance and Restrictions
One of the most damaging aspects of Tim’s control was the constant surveillance. I was expected to explain every detail of my day: Where I was going, who I was seeing, and how long I would be gone. If I didn’t answer his calls or messages quickly enough, I was accused of being irresponsible or disrespectful. I was given strict time limits on how long I could be out, and if I exceeded them, I faced his anger or emotional withdrawal. He read my texts, WhatsApp’s, emails and opened my post. Nothing was off limits.
At home, Tim also prevented me from spending quality time with my daughters. He would guilt-trip me if I spent money on them, as though I was neglecting him. He would undermine my role as their mother and created a toxic environment. My interactions with my children were controlled.
We eventually got two cats, but he forbade the girls and me from interacting with them. Later, he brought a dog into our home, but he couldn’t stand the affection we showed it. After six months, the dog suddenly disappeared. He claimed it had escaped, but we later discovered that he had sold it. This was devastating for the girls and me. We spent two weeks putting up flyers and searching for the dog, only to uncover the painful truth. Although we eventually managed to get the dog back, his cruelty toward it escalated, he would kick and beat the animal. Fearing for the dog’s safety, I had no choice but to re-home it. It wasn’t until later that I realised this abuse toward pets is a common tactic among abusive individuals, a way to exert control and dehumanise not just the victims, but innocent creatures as well.
Restrictions on Work and earning money and hobbies
I had dreams and ambitions, particularly regarding my business, but he stifled them by occupying all my time with household chores, errands, looking after his daughter and doing his admin. He forbade me from working anywhere where I may come in to contact with men, and I wasn’t allowed to take on male clients or attend professional development courses, making it impossible for me to grow. Every time I attempted to focus on something for myself, he found a way to derail it, making me feel guilty for prioritising my own needs.
I was always into fitness, but Tim banned me from going to the gym or attending exercise classes. He finally relented to me attending a yoga class once a week, but only after he had been to check that no men attended. No other hobbies or interests were allowed unless it was with him.
Emotional and Physical Control Over My Appearance
Tim's emotional abuse wasn’t limited to controlling my time or relationships; it extended to how I looked. He often belittled me. He insisted that I wear only minimal makeup and forbid me from wearing certain clothes. Even when I went shopping, I was not allowed to buy clothes without his approval. If I bought something without him, he would insult it, or worse, throw it away.
The Isolation: Moving to the Countryside
Tim eventually moved us to the countryside, far from everything I knew. My daughters had to leave their supportive school and friends, and we lost our sense of community. The guilt of watching my children lose so much was overwhelming, and I truly felt grief stricken. In our new, isolated location, Tim made it clear that I wasn’t allowed to socialise or make new friends. If I tried to get to know anyone, he would become angry, accusing me of neglecting him. I wasn’t allowed to socialise with other parents at the school gate or attend any parent social activities, even stopping me from picking the girls up from play dates in case I formed a friendship with another parent. Every social interaction became a potential source of conflict. I felt trapped, unable to make connections or experience the normal social interactions that others had.
Tim’s control extended to the most basic aspects of my life. He would lock me in rooms, prevent me from leaving, and isolate me for hours. Every day, I had to serve him by cooking him 3 meals a day, cleaning, doing admin for his business and completing his demands. My time was no longer my own. I was consumed by his needs, and I had no space for myself. Over time, I began to believe that I was the problem, that everything that went wrong in our relationship was my fault. Tim used guilt and shame to keep me under his control, and I stopped trusting myself. I doubted my worth and became more and more isolated.
The Jekyll and Hyde Personality
Tim’s behaviour was erratic. One moment, he was loving and caring; the next, he was cold and abusive. This unpredictability kept me constantly on edge, never knowing when the next emotional or verbal attack would come. His behaviour made me feel like I was walking on eggshells, afraid to make a mistake or upset him in any way.
The Isolation and Control in Foreign Countries
From the outside, we must have looked like the perfect family. It seemed like we had an idyllic life, traveling frequently, visiting beautiful places like Italy, and going on trips around the world. But the reality of those trips was far from the picture-perfect story people imagined. Time after time, as part of a power game, Tim would leave me stranded abroad in the middle of nowhere on my own, sometimes with no phone, no reception, no money, no keys, and no address for where we were staying. Often, I didn’t even know the language. Whether it was in big cities, remote towns, or foreign countryside. It became a regular occurrence, it was all about control, his need to make me entirely dependent on him, to force me into needing him, feeling vulnerable and lost without him, and relying on him for everything. What should have been incredible experiences were instead marked by his cruelty, manipulation, and abuse. For me, every journey was filled with fear, trepidation, and a growing sense of dread.
Sexual Coercion
Along with emotional manipulation, Tim subjected me to sexual coercion. He forced me into situations where I felt humiliated and degraded. He dictated what I could wear, even in my own home, and used sex as a tool for control. His demands were not about intimacy or love—they were about asserting dominance over me.
The Struggle to Leave
I tried to leave Tim several times, but each time, he drew me back in with promises of change. His manipulation made me believe that I was the problem, and that I was responsible for the failure of our relationship. I went to the doctor for anxiety and panic attacks, but Tim didn’t allow me to take medication. I feared that if I sought help, it would be seen as a betrayal. I believe he feared I would grow the courage to leave him.
Eventually, I managed to secretly see a counsellor, but the fear of Tim finding out was paralysing. He would punish me emotionally, making it impossible for me to break free. The manipulation and coercion had left me so dependent on him that I couldn’t imagine life without him, even though I was suffocating.
The Legal Battle and Its Failures
In 2020, a week before the first Covid Lockdown and following a particular episode of sexual aggression, I left with my children and checked into a hotel. With the support and help of ESDAS and my family, I sought legal help, obtaining a non-molestation order. My children were becoming teenagers and my need to break away and be an example of strength to them finally was the push I needed. But the courts failed to enforce the order properly, and Tim’s anger only escalated. The breaches of the order continued, and the police failed to protect us time and time again. Eventually, after enduring months of fear and instability, I was able to get Tim out of the house with the help of my family, friends, a supportive lawyer, a Police Family Liaison Officer and ESDAS. I truly could not have done it without their support and kindness.
Reflection and Moving Forward
Looking back, I realise how deeply Tim’s abuse affected me. The emotional scars are still very much there, and healing will take time. The trauma of coercive control, manipulation, and abuse still lingers. But I am slowly rebuilding my life, regaining my self-worth and independence.
I carry a deep sense of grief for the pain I caused my children by bringing him into our world and for the life we lost. But I share my story because I know I’m not alone. Coercive control and emotional abuse can be hard to recognise, but they leave lasting marks. Equally, It can be very hard for people to understand. If you are reading this and feel trapped in a similar situation, I want you to know that you are not powerless. There is help available, and there is always hope for a life free from abuse. No one should ever have to live in fear or be controlled by someone they love.